New beginnings

Well sweet girl, I quit writing. I am sorry, life happened. It doesn't mean I miss you any less though, please know that. At this time I am praying you are with your friends. How is Sky? I hope he settled in nicely and you too found each other. I miss you sweet angel girl. When I see your picture throughout the house now, I smile. But still have a pang of saddness in my heart. You were such a big part of me Bailey. You were there for so much in my life....so so much. In any scrapbook, there you are, etched in our families memories forever. You will remain in that special place in my heart forever sweet girl. I miss you, I love you, and I pray that you are happy and doing well.
I got busy in March of this year thanks to a new addition to the family. Gunner. What can I say...I am a sucker for dogs, but you knew that anyway. There he was. At a garage sale, in a baby pool with his three brothers. A chocolate lump of fur and sweetness. I thought immediately of you and when I first saw you. It brought back a lot of memories and made me smile. So that was it. I smiled, and decided if this new baby boy could help me smile more when I thought of you, our family needed him. Now, eight months later.... I miss you more thatn ever!! He is A HANDFUL!!! I miss your independence, your ease about life, your way of knowing when I needed to just do nothing, and laying down next to me to do nothing with me. Gunner, well, he doesn't lay down much! We walk about 5 times a day. It isn't enough for him though. We play, we love, we hand out treats, and at the end of the day he still looks at me like, "thats it"?? I have to say, at times he really reminds me of you though. He has certain things that he does, or looks, that really remind me of something you did. Daddy and I still will call him a her, or a she sometimes because we are used to you. Daddy called him "Took a look" the other day! Old habits die hard I guess.
We miss you girl. We all do. I think you might like Gunner, but not too much. I hope one day, we can all be together again girl. Until then, wish me luck, and know that I will always love you.

Missing you...almost seven months

I can't believe it has been almost seven months since I lost you sweet girl. I miss you terribly and long to feel your presence next to me still. I think of you everyday, I cry for you everyday. My life, our house, it does not feel complete without you in it. Nicolas talks of you everyday. The sweetest things. he wishes he could build a ladder all the way to heaven to visit you. He misses you and I think you may just miss him wherever you are.

Each day that passes I think I am ready to welcome another dog in our home. The kids want one so badly. They miss the fun and the love that only a dog can bring. I feel like I am ready. But I'm not at the same time. I am afraid of not wanting the dog once it is here, once I can compare it to you. I don't want to fall in love with another dog. I love you, still. I miss you too much to think of any other dog trying to take your spot in the house, in our family, our lives.

It will never happen. No other dog will ever take your spot in my heart Bailey. You are my first, my love, my sweet angel girl. I will think of you everyday until my heart stops beating, and then, I will pray and pray that you will be there waiting for me. Running toward me as we meet again.

Endorphins

It began as a simple request. There I was minding my own business when a friend challenged me to something. Something I had never done, or even thought to do....ever. I was challenged in a friendly sort of way to do a half marathon.
"Join me in Phoenix....in January." my friend said.
"Oh what? Me? A half marathon?" "I can't even run a mile!!"
"Well think about it, it would be fun!" said friend.

And there it all began. I thought of you and realized I would do it for you, for your sweet soul and in remembrance of what I had with you.
And here I am today. After months of preparing and tears...oh the tears. Pain. Injury. Realizing I just may be able to do this, and then realizing I may be fooling myself. Going on the Salmon Creek Trail and crying when I realized the last time I had been there was with you. I didn't take you enough, you loved it there. And every time I ran there, I thought of you beside me. My pain became your pain. I thought of your knees and the pain you must of felt during those six miles. But you kept going because you were having so much fun and didn't want it to end. I tried to keep going with the same spirit in me. It was hard.

Now, I leave tomorrow for Arizona. I didn't get to run enough because of injury, but I ran what I hope will be adequate. I will pray you will be there beside me sweet girl, running with me, crossing the finish line with me.

Endorphins. Physical exercise is supposed to help my grief. As I sit here on the eve of my new found adventure in running, I crave some relief from my pain. I crave to see you in my dreams. To just see you and feel your presence in my life would be so wonderful. I have had one dream about you since you died. One. You were in the backyard of Grandma and Grandpas. Laying in the grass. This was your first home, and you loved it there. You looked happy and content. I came to the yard and laid by you petting you. In my dream I realized this was a second chance, and I was lucky to have you there, but I also knew it wouldn't last. For whatever reason, my Uncle Mike was there. He passed away back in 2004. He came over and petted you too with a smile on his face.
I woke up. I couldn't believe I had dreamed of you, I saw you alive and moving in my dream! I was so happy! I thought about it later. It was bitter sweet for me. Was that my once more? My only chance to see you again? Was Mike there because he is with you now? What was the significance of his presence? I still wonder. I still hope to dream more of you.

I will pray to feel you with my during this run. I truly am doing this for you. Not because you were my running partner in life, but because you were a great example of strength. You went through so much and suffered more ailments that you should have in your almost twelve years. But like the trail, you never wanted your happiness and joy in life to end. No matter the pain or suffering. You smiled and persevered through it all.

So with the memory of you in my heart and mind I will run this 13.1 and pray to have half of your strength baby girl.

Life lessons

One of your favorite spots to lay in the grass!


Five months and a few days ago I had to walk out of Dove Lewis without you. The memory of that moment and the ones prior haunt me today. I see you in the back of the truck on the way to Portland. I see you laying in the dirt, too weak to walk inside. I see you carried away on the gurney. I hear the words from the Vet and the whooshing sound in my mind and the stab of pain in my heart. The feeling of needing to be near you then and just make sure that you knew I was there.


Sweet girl. You were so incredible. So sweet, so kind. The best dog our family could ever hope to have in our lives.

Your bed is still here. Your bowls are outside on the back porch. You leash and collar hang in the garage waiting for a walk.

I see you laying there as we all said goodbye through our tears. I see you and I alone as the Vet enters the room with the drug that would help you rest. I feel the moment she told me you were gone, your heart had stopped. My heart skipped a beat or two at the pain of losing you. I don't think my heart had felt such pain before. I feel the horrible awful feeling of seeing so much blood come out of you and wondering if it had caused you pain.


We miss you. You are everywhere. Most of all in our hearts. There is an emptiness in my whole self that I can't explain. A hole left in me the day you died. It sometimes feels like an open gapping horrible wound. And at other times feels like a smaller wound with an increbible ache.


I see you being taken away. I keep telling myself it is not you, for what I knew of you was gone. But that was your soft ears, and your extra skin that we loved to laugh at. It was your scar under your eye from when you were so excited to see me you clotheslined yourself on a metal wire. It was your paws that you hated to be touched. It was your lumps and bumps, your grey face, your sweet brown eyes and big black nose. It was your smart bump on top of your head and your droopy gums. It was Bailey and all I knew and loved had just been taken away from me.

Walking out of there to meet Daddy and the kids was so incredibly hard. I came there with you and was leaving without you. The days that followed are too hard to explain. I needed you with me so much. I felt horrible leaving you there. I called the cremation place first thing Monday morning. I couldn't wait to get you back even though it was just your ashes. I needed you home again.


I feel your wet nose on my hand and your fur on my palm. I smell you as I lean in to give you a kiss. I hear you bark at the doorbell. I see you smile at your friends, human and canine. I see you with Drew and Nicolas. I hear you chewing on a bottle until the cap was off. I see your joy as you run to the water and jump in without hesitation. I see you running from the vacuum and see your middle wiggle as you walk. I see the look in your eyes when you would focus on a bird in the trees. I see you rolling in the snow. I see and feel you all around me. It makes it easier sometimes, but harder most of the time.


There is a pain in me that ran through my core as I saw the kids and Daddy outside. Nicolas was waiting to see your soul leave for heaven. Daddy and Drew were just trying to cope. Our family was absent one that day, and that spot can't be filled again. You are carved into the very structure of our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. You were there, and for almost twelve years filled a spot in our hearts and our lives that I feel we took advantage of. If we had known all those years ago the joy you would bring, the comfort, the stress, the worry, the love...if we had known just what a priceless possesion we had in you, I think we all would of tried a little harder to be more like you Bailey. More loving, innocent, and forgiving. You taught us lessons only you could of. In your gentle way, you did more than you will ever know.