New beginnings

Well sweet girl, I quit writing. I am sorry, life happened. It doesn't mean I miss you any less though, please know that. At this time I am praying you are with your friends. How is Sky? I hope he settled in nicely and you too found each other. I miss you sweet angel girl. When I see your picture throughout the house now, I smile. But still have a pang of saddness in my heart. You were such a big part of me Bailey. You were there for so much in my life....so so much. In any scrapbook, there you are, etched in our families memories forever. You will remain in that special place in my heart forever sweet girl. I miss you, I love you, and I pray that you are happy and doing well.
I got busy in March of this year thanks to a new addition to the family. Gunner. What can I say...I am a sucker for dogs, but you knew that anyway. There he was. At a garage sale, in a baby pool with his three brothers. A chocolate lump of fur and sweetness. I thought immediately of you and when I first saw you. It brought back a lot of memories and made me smile. So that was it. I smiled, and decided if this new baby boy could help me smile more when I thought of you, our family needed him. Now, eight months later.... I miss you more thatn ever!! He is A HANDFUL!!! I miss your independence, your ease about life, your way of knowing when I needed to just do nothing, and laying down next to me to do nothing with me. Gunner, well, he doesn't lay down much! We walk about 5 times a day. It isn't enough for him though. We play, we love, we hand out treats, and at the end of the day he still looks at me like, "thats it"?? I have to say, at times he really reminds me of you though. He has certain things that he does, or looks, that really remind me of something you did. Daddy and I still will call him a her, or a she sometimes because we are used to you. Daddy called him "Took a look" the other day! Old habits die hard I guess.
We miss you girl. We all do. I think you might like Gunner, but not too much. I hope one day, we can all be together again girl. Until then, wish me luck, and know that I will always love you.

Missing you...almost seven months

I can't believe it has been almost seven months since I lost you sweet girl. I miss you terribly and long to feel your presence next to me still. I think of you everyday, I cry for you everyday. My life, our house, it does not feel complete without you in it. Nicolas talks of you everyday. The sweetest things. he wishes he could build a ladder all the way to heaven to visit you. He misses you and I think you may just miss him wherever you are.

Each day that passes I think I am ready to welcome another dog in our home. The kids want one so badly. They miss the fun and the love that only a dog can bring. I feel like I am ready. But I'm not at the same time. I am afraid of not wanting the dog once it is here, once I can compare it to you. I don't want to fall in love with another dog. I love you, still. I miss you too much to think of any other dog trying to take your spot in the house, in our family, our lives.

It will never happen. No other dog will ever take your spot in my heart Bailey. You are my first, my love, my sweet angel girl. I will think of you everyday until my heart stops beating, and then, I will pray and pray that you will be there waiting for me. Running toward me as we meet again.

Endorphins

It began as a simple request. There I was minding my own business when a friend challenged me to something. Something I had never done, or even thought to do....ever. I was challenged in a friendly sort of way to do a half marathon.
"Join me in Phoenix....in January." my friend said.
"Oh what? Me? A half marathon?" "I can't even run a mile!!"
"Well think about it, it would be fun!" said friend.

And there it all began. I thought of you and realized I would do it for you, for your sweet soul and in remembrance of what I had with you.
And here I am today. After months of preparing and tears...oh the tears. Pain. Injury. Realizing I just may be able to do this, and then realizing I may be fooling myself. Going on the Salmon Creek Trail and crying when I realized the last time I had been there was with you. I didn't take you enough, you loved it there. And every time I ran there, I thought of you beside me. My pain became your pain. I thought of your knees and the pain you must of felt during those six miles. But you kept going because you were having so much fun and didn't want it to end. I tried to keep going with the same spirit in me. It was hard.

Now, I leave tomorrow for Arizona. I didn't get to run enough because of injury, but I ran what I hope will be adequate. I will pray you will be there beside me sweet girl, running with me, crossing the finish line with me.

Endorphins. Physical exercise is supposed to help my grief. As I sit here on the eve of my new found adventure in running, I crave some relief from my pain. I crave to see you in my dreams. To just see you and feel your presence in my life would be so wonderful. I have had one dream about you since you died. One. You were in the backyard of Grandma and Grandpas. Laying in the grass. This was your first home, and you loved it there. You looked happy and content. I came to the yard and laid by you petting you. In my dream I realized this was a second chance, and I was lucky to have you there, but I also knew it wouldn't last. For whatever reason, my Uncle Mike was there. He passed away back in 2004. He came over and petted you too with a smile on his face.
I woke up. I couldn't believe I had dreamed of you, I saw you alive and moving in my dream! I was so happy! I thought about it later. It was bitter sweet for me. Was that my once more? My only chance to see you again? Was Mike there because he is with you now? What was the significance of his presence? I still wonder. I still hope to dream more of you.

I will pray to feel you with my during this run. I truly am doing this for you. Not because you were my running partner in life, but because you were a great example of strength. You went through so much and suffered more ailments that you should have in your almost twelve years. But like the trail, you never wanted your happiness and joy in life to end. No matter the pain or suffering. You smiled and persevered through it all.

So with the memory of you in my heart and mind I will run this 13.1 and pray to have half of your strength baby girl.

Life lessons

One of your favorite spots to lay in the grass!


Five months and a few days ago I had to walk out of Dove Lewis without you. The memory of that moment and the ones prior haunt me today. I see you in the back of the truck on the way to Portland. I see you laying in the dirt, too weak to walk inside. I see you carried away on the gurney. I hear the words from the Vet and the whooshing sound in my mind and the stab of pain in my heart. The feeling of needing to be near you then and just make sure that you knew I was there.


Sweet girl. You were so incredible. So sweet, so kind. The best dog our family could ever hope to have in our lives.

Your bed is still here. Your bowls are outside on the back porch. You leash and collar hang in the garage waiting for a walk.

I see you laying there as we all said goodbye through our tears. I see you and I alone as the Vet enters the room with the drug that would help you rest. I feel the moment she told me you were gone, your heart had stopped. My heart skipped a beat or two at the pain of losing you. I don't think my heart had felt such pain before. I feel the horrible awful feeling of seeing so much blood come out of you and wondering if it had caused you pain.


We miss you. You are everywhere. Most of all in our hearts. There is an emptiness in my whole self that I can't explain. A hole left in me the day you died. It sometimes feels like an open gapping horrible wound. And at other times feels like a smaller wound with an increbible ache.


I see you being taken away. I keep telling myself it is not you, for what I knew of you was gone. But that was your soft ears, and your extra skin that we loved to laugh at. It was your scar under your eye from when you were so excited to see me you clotheslined yourself on a metal wire. It was your paws that you hated to be touched. It was your lumps and bumps, your grey face, your sweet brown eyes and big black nose. It was your smart bump on top of your head and your droopy gums. It was Bailey and all I knew and loved had just been taken away from me.

Walking out of there to meet Daddy and the kids was so incredibly hard. I came there with you and was leaving without you. The days that followed are too hard to explain. I needed you with me so much. I felt horrible leaving you there. I called the cremation place first thing Monday morning. I couldn't wait to get you back even though it was just your ashes. I needed you home again.


I feel your wet nose on my hand and your fur on my palm. I smell you as I lean in to give you a kiss. I hear you bark at the doorbell. I see you smile at your friends, human and canine. I see you with Drew and Nicolas. I hear you chewing on a bottle until the cap was off. I see your joy as you run to the water and jump in without hesitation. I see you running from the vacuum and see your middle wiggle as you walk. I see the look in your eyes when you would focus on a bird in the trees. I see you rolling in the snow. I see and feel you all around me. It makes it easier sometimes, but harder most of the time.


There is a pain in me that ran through my core as I saw the kids and Daddy outside. Nicolas was waiting to see your soul leave for heaven. Daddy and Drew were just trying to cope. Our family was absent one that day, and that spot can't be filled again. You are carved into the very structure of our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. You were there, and for almost twelve years filled a spot in our hearts and our lives that I feel we took advantage of. If we had known all those years ago the joy you would bring, the comfort, the stress, the worry, the love...if we had known just what a priceless possesion we had in you, I think we all would of tried a little harder to be more like you Bailey. More loving, innocent, and forgiving. You taught us lessons only you could of. In your gentle way, you did more than you will ever know.

Two months

I am sitting here staring at a beautiful picture of you. One that was taken on the day we had Nicolas's birthday party back in June. The beginning of June. Before the second diagnosis. You look so beautiful. So wise, and kind, and sweet. You were all of that and more. I know you were so so much more.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I was just emotional the whole day and had a breakdown bringing the garbage cans in. What a silly place to have a breakdown. Drew came out and talked with me about what was wrong. She misses you too sweet girl. We all do. It was two months yesterday. Two months ago I lost you. If I measured the time by my pain, we would still be in that room saying goodbye. I hurt just as much, actually more. I have to live with my reality. My sweet Bailey is gone. You are everywhere still though. In the kitchen, in the back yard in the garage, my room ,the playroom, the front lawn..the neighbors houses. Everywhere. I feel like you are here sometimes. When the house is quiet and the kids are at school I walk in the house and my heart is once more hit with the fact that you in fact, are gone. I am so used to you in my life. I have a file box of memories in my head of all the times we had together. I wish I could of recorded it all on tape. Your entire life. Then I could go back and watch it and smile at your sweet face on the screen. Just to hear you bark again would be so wonderful.
Two months. What is time if it can not heal all wounds? Only two months and it feels like forever. Then at times it feels like it just happened. I wish I knew how to make this pain easier. I wish I knew for certain that you were okay. That you indeed are in a better place and will wait for me to join you. I wish I could receive a sign that all was ok. Please let me know that you are not mad at me. Please tell me I made the right decision to let you go.
I can't snuggle with a box of ashes. I can't love a picture like I can the real thing. I want you back. I know in my reasonable mind I can't have you back with me here. I just want to know that I will see you again, hug you again, feel your soft ears again, kiss your sweet nose again.

Guilt

Did you know sweet girl? Did you know what was happening inside you? You were a smart girl, and one that always impressed. Sure, you lived for food, and water, and fun walks in the mountains, but you were more than that. I found you such an intelligent creature. One that felt, and experienced things like a human might. I can't help but wonder if you knew that night what was happening.
Once I saw the blood, I decided to call someone. Dove Lewis was where Dr. Freeman was and I knew it was an emergency hospital, open 24 hours. It was 4:30am now. Once I made the phone call, the Vet I spoke with suggested that I bring you in asap. With blood, and your history, there was really no other alternative. I knew Dr. Freeman would not be in on a Saturday morning, so I decided at that time to wait until I could call Dr. Cleveland and talk to him. He worked on Saturday and he knew your history.
Bailey I stayed with you, I sat in the chair by you and just watched you as you tried to rest. Each time you would start to rest, your breathing and the coughing would wake you. I felt so horrible and wanted to be able to help you rest. I remember the sound of the wind chimes, and I remember at about 5am the sun beginning to rise. It was a beautiful sight and a very peaceful one. We had spent the last couple of hours together. Just me and you. I was able to talk to you, and I hope my presence in some way was a comfort. What I did next makes me so incredibly mad at myself and so incredibly sad and regretful as well. It was about 6am. I went inside to tell Daddy that something was very wrong and that I would have to take you in. I told him my decision to wait for Dr. Clevelands office to open. He was still asleep, and agreed and told me to do whatever I thought best. He didn't fully understand what was happening. Neither did I really. Otherwise, how could I of gone back downstairs and instead of going outside to you again, I went to the couch to rest for a little while. I saw you in the same spot you were before, and I rested. I remember looking back out at you at one point and you had moved just a few feet forward. I remember wondering why you had moved, but I stayed inside. Then at about 7am I went back upstairs to talk to Daddy again. He was awake now with Nicolas. He told me to lay down and rest and he would go check on you. The next thing I know it was 8am. I got up and immediately went outside to check on you. Daddy was sitting with you. You were no longer in the grass, but on your bed. I asked Daddy what he thought. He agreed that I better take you in asap. I called Dr. Clevelands office then. His front office answered and told me he was actually not in that day, he was on vacation. So, my only choice was Dove Lewis. I called them and explained the situation again. I asked them if they could contact Dr. Freeman, and access her records. They said yes to both. So, I told Daddy that I would take you there. I went inside to get dressed while he loaded you in the truck for me.
Once I was ready to go, Daddy came in and told me that we better all go. He said he got you in the truck, but that you could not even stand up. He said that you had fallen over like you had a dizzy spell and hit your head on the side of the truck. We better all go, you needed us all.
Bailey I still at that moment was in no way thinking that we would be saying goodbye to you that day. I knew we were dealing with something serious, but not death. Not saying goodbye. My heart was heavy and my mind kept telling it that everything was going to be okay. I hated myself for leaving you for those couple of hours. I could not believe that I felt okay to go inside and leave you to suffer alone. I swear to you baby girl that I would take it all back if I had only known. I truly am so sorry for leaving you and will never forgive myself for my lack of understanding what was truly going on during those early morning hours. I'm so sorry. I love you so much and my entire body aches for your presence. I swear to you that if I knew of anything I could of done for you, I would of done it.

Time

Where were you wanting to go? 2007

The kids and I left for Utah on July 17th for Grandma Waymans birthday. She had a heart attack a few weeks prior and I felt like I really needed to be at this birthday. It was one that I felt I would regret if I was not there. We only spent a few days. Friday night through Tuesday morning in Utah. You were home with Daddy. You and him were having a good time together, and I think now as I look back, it was good for you to be with him to have your last goodbyes. If I had known what came next??? More what ifs that I prefer not to think about.
We came home. Drew started a camp at church and Nicolas and I went about our normal routine that week. I can't think of anything significant that would of made me realize something was not right with you. You were happy and seemed completely normal. I look back at those days and I have no memory. I have no memory until Friday July, 24th. I picked Drew up from camp. She had her friend Alexus come over and we were going to Papas pool for a swim. I remember being at the pool with my friends Julie and Shelley, and the kids. I came home to you, and then left again to take the kids to eat. When we came back, again, you seemed fine. I went outside to talk to the neighbors and brought you with me. The kids were all playing and having a good time. You were loving the attention as usual from all the neighbors, and getting treats of course. Daddy was not home from work until late that evening because of a flight schedule. Drew had her friend spending the night and all seemed normal really. I remember our neighbor had a sandwich and you were trying to get to it, so I grabbed you by the collar to bring you home. I remember the neighbor with the sandwich ask if the need you had for food was related to your cancer, and his wife explaining the effects of the steroid to him. Then I left with you.
I got the kids in bed. I was in bed when Daddy came home. It was about 9pm. Then I remember waking to the sound of you breathing hard. Daddy hadn't put you outside yet where you felt better and cooler. I went downstairs somewhat annoyed with Daddy for not getting you out. I called you out and vaguely remember saying goodnight to you. I hate that I was annoyed then. I hate that because of the annoyance, I was quick to get you out and didn't spend enough time saying goodnight. I went back upstairs to go back to bed.
3am. Nicolas came to me. He had a bad dream and was scared. I went to his room where I layed on his bed with him. It was then that I heard you. It took me a minute to realize I was hearing you. It sounded like wheezing. Like an old man that had smoked his whole life. I told Nicolas I would be back and went to check on you. I opened the door to the backyard slowly. I didn't turn on the light because I wanted to make sure I was in fact hearing you, and try to do it without startling you. You couldn't hear then, but I knew you would see me if I turned the lights on. Once I heard you, and knew it was you that was wheezing, I decided to turn the lights on and see what was going on.
Nicolas had come out by then. I took him upstairs to Daddy and told him you were having a hard time and to please help me with Nicolas.
Then I went back to you. You saw me and ran to me. I tried to get you to drink some water and get you settled back down. You wanted to go in the house and just kept going for the door to go in. I decided to bring you in then and get you on your bed.
Once inside the wheezing continued and you began to cough a little. I brought you back outside to get some water in you. We stayed there. You drank some water and then went to lay in the grass. I took a spot on the chair and just watched you and wondered what to do. Wondered what was going on and what I should do.
I was not fully aware of the seriousness of the situation because of how well you had been doing just hours before. You kept looking at me and had a look in your eyes of concern as well. We stayed that way for about an hour. I sat and talked to you. Wondered aloud what was going on and who I could call. A cat crossed on our fence. I saw it, and thought you had, but you showed no sign of getting up to chase it away. You were coughing again. I noticed at one point something shiny in the grass in front of you. When I went to see it closer, you coughed again. It was blood. Blood was on the grass and now on your paw. I went in and grabbed a towel and refilled your water bowl. I wiped the blood off your paw and held the bowl to your mouth so you could drink. You drank a little and more blood showed up in the water. It was then I knew for certain something was terribly wrong. This wasn't just another episode that would go away. It was then that I began to cry. It was then that your head would began to drop and your eyes would close. Only to be opened again by another wheezing and coughing episode. You looked so tired sweet girl. So tired.
Time. If I had know hours before. Time. If I had known days before. What if I had run out of time? Why couldn't I turn it back. Turn it back to a year ago when I knew you were beating the cancer and had my happy healthy girl back?
Why didn't I take those months that had passed and used them more wisely. Yes I loved you and you were so happy, but I could of been better at so many things. I loved you so so much Bailey. You have to of known that. I hope you knew that. I was so incredibly in love with you. So lucky to have you. My life was different because of you. You made it fuller. You made it better and full of unconditional love.
Time was getting away from us now. Our time was almost up.