Two months

I am sitting here staring at a beautiful picture of you. One that was taken on the day we had Nicolas's birthday party back in June. The beginning of June. Before the second diagnosis. You look so beautiful. So wise, and kind, and sweet. You were all of that and more. I know you were so so much more.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I was just emotional the whole day and had a breakdown bringing the garbage cans in. What a silly place to have a breakdown. Drew came out and talked with me about what was wrong. She misses you too sweet girl. We all do. It was two months yesterday. Two months ago I lost you. If I measured the time by my pain, we would still be in that room saying goodbye. I hurt just as much, actually more. I have to live with my reality. My sweet Bailey is gone. You are everywhere still though. In the kitchen, in the back yard in the garage, my room ,the playroom, the front lawn..the neighbors houses. Everywhere. I feel like you are here sometimes. When the house is quiet and the kids are at school I walk in the house and my heart is once more hit with the fact that you in fact, are gone. I am so used to you in my life. I have a file box of memories in my head of all the times we had together. I wish I could of recorded it all on tape. Your entire life. Then I could go back and watch it and smile at your sweet face on the screen. Just to hear you bark again would be so wonderful.
Two months. What is time if it can not heal all wounds? Only two months and it feels like forever. Then at times it feels like it just happened. I wish I knew how to make this pain easier. I wish I knew for certain that you were okay. That you indeed are in a better place and will wait for me to join you. I wish I could receive a sign that all was ok. Please let me know that you are not mad at me. Please tell me I made the right decision to let you go.
I can't snuggle with a box of ashes. I can't love a picture like I can the real thing. I want you back. I know in my reasonable mind I can't have you back with me here. I just want to know that I will see you again, hug you again, feel your soft ears again, kiss your sweet nose again.